Three entries in one...hmm after promising daily entries, some committment huh!
Where do I start. ..........Boy...my first reaction is to defend myself whilst baring my soul. My second is, why do that. If you are going to rip open your chest and expose yourself for the planet and surrounds to see then do it right, hold nothing back.
Therefore I ask for no sympathy, no tsk, tsk sounds that emanate from the front of the pallet and mean " poor baby, I understand". I do this willingly in a cathartic cleansing way and I write without thought but rather allowing the words to spill over like a somewhat murky waterfall crashing onto a rock floor far below.
I am in the 2nd round of this particular "world title fight" have been knocked down for the umteenth time.
My opponent, an unruly, undisciplined , big mouthed trash talking lout is....ME.
Of all the battles we fight in this lifetime the biggest we encounter is with OURSELVES dougal macdonald
I repeat platitudes to myself like "I am only defeated if I don't get up", and my other voice then replies with "What a lot of Crap" you loser and so it goes.
To be honest I am exhausted from the internal battles I fight daily.
Here is where we get to "what the hell is he talking about"
When I started this journey with Adam I committed to blogging my journey daily. I did that and then some...and then the old demons appeared. Xmas vacation intervened and I ate and drank whatever I wanted, with an internal committment to getting back in the saddle post vacation.
...and that's when it began. I just don't get it....how can it be so darned easy to stick to a plan for a minimum of 84 days, perfectly and so difficult to get back to it after a couple of weeks out of the saddle.
I mean...it's not like I stopped training..in fact my training is going better than ever. It's just that my eating is a disaster. I have a very addictive personality and one of my weaknesses was sweets so three years ago I gave up sweets completely and I mean nothing....I deliberately had some chocolates over xmas and havn't stopped eating sweet stuff since. I mean just today I've eaten 2 packets of biscuits.
The worst part is " OK, I'm going to start again tomorrow." Pfwhaaa, what nonsense. I've done that a hundred times since the vacation.
I feel like I've stepped back miles from where I was at my worst before AW.
What's even worse is the fact that I'm a fitness professional with all the book knowledge in the world. In fact my clients are getting great results whilst I'm getting fatter.
I feel fat, lazy, undisciplined, and pretty much a failure as far as this issue is concerned. I mean I've been at this a long time. Started BFL in '99. Even came third in my age group in South Africa. Next year 2nd, following year 3rd again.
"HOW DO YOU GO FROM THERE TO HERE." Yes that screaming you hear is me.
Okay...is this a self pity party YES...Am I looking for sympathy NO...I am sussed enough to know that only I can help me...the question I have is with accountability. I have enough experience to know that it helps in the short term. Accountability is critical as a support mechanism over a specific period of time.
I am searching for a way to get past accountability to others and trust myself. Permanently.
I watch AW and I look at the hurt he has been through and his modus operandi but I think to myself ... has he become too dependant on others for his own success.
Please don't get me wrong, I honestly think the guy is a legend but does he have a life. All his posts are about work, the blog and training. Has he restricted himself from ...say, climbing mount everest or hiking in Tibet...wait hang on, bad example...umm say, deep sea fishing in the Bahamas for a month with buddies. How would he make that part of his life without detracting from his physical quest.
Again, I have the greatest respect for the him and I know of no better example to single minded committment and dedication to a goal than what he has achieved...but what now.
Now me...I have many and varied interests, I get out and about, I have a successful property business in addition to my health and fitness business, I love to play golf with my buddies..I am about to go on a 10 day vacation to a beautiful spot on the South African cape coast. I love to socialise....blah, blah blah...
What I want to know is this..Knowing that bad habits are just waiting to smack you on the back of the head when you drop your guard, how do you get past the point where you are now in great shape and want to stay there.
Yes, yes, I know it's a choice that you make but my social circle are not bodybuilders so the healthy choice becomes more difficult to maintain.
I have not given up..not by a long shot...and I WILL find the solution, so right now I guess this is me being honest, showing integrity and just cathartically offloading..albeit to a few thousand people...okay, maybe a dozen or so.
I WILL reset my goals, I WILL be part of Shredder 2, I WILL re focus on my eating I WILL get my act together permanently
Starting MONDAY...... ;-)