Monday, October 13, 2008

My twenty week journey back to perfect health - 'THE SUPER CHALLENGE'

Week 11 Day 1

What's going on in my head?

I feel like a stray dog wandering the streets under the cover of darkness, sniffing around the garbage cans at the back of restaurants.

At times finding what I think is a tasty morsel only to find that the fine smelling bone has no meat left on it.

Almost having dirty dishwater thrown over me as I scavenge for...something, anything.

I run, always run, from well known spot to well known spot looking for...what is it I'm looking for, sometimes I forget and I just keep running, knowing in my animal subconscious that on some dark corner, after being shooed away by some terrified homeless person, I will find the peace I'm looking for under some warm overhang inside a broken down cardboard box where I can rest...lie down and sleep and dream about better times, just for a while.

Answers are what I'm looking for where patience is what I need. After suspecting another infection in my head and awating results from the lab I ponder the meaning of the analogy I have just written about.

None of the qualified experts seems to know much about what I can expect or when I can expect to heal or well anything really. My head hurts mightily, my bones and joints are sore and I move lethargically.

I am on another two weeks of antibiotics and have been advised not to train during that time....Back to the begining.

Now clearly, from what I've written it's obvious that I'm not feeling great about myself or my short term future. However I have been here before and I know what to do.

As in the analogy above I have a tendancy to want to climb under the duvet and disapear until I feel better.

What I am going to do the dog, I will withdraw, protect my self emotionally and allow the solution to come to me. I have been feeling very off colour physically over the past few days and today is no different. I am disapointed with my recovery from the infections and without any yardstick to measure progress by, have no idea of what to expect.

There comes a time, in my life, I'm talking about, where a little self preservation goes a long way and to me, this is part of the journey of recovery.

I know me well enough to know that in a few days I'll be writing about how great life is and I'll be craving the smell of steel and the thump of the music and I'll be feeling good again.

Until then I'm not off track. I'm just adjusting the sail for the wind, which is blowing a little sharply in the wrong direction. I'm still in the race, just a little slower.. for now.

If you don't resonate with what I've written, don't be concerned, I havn't gone loopy. One of the beauties of 'journaling' is that the author can often times write for himself only and find a sense of cartharsis at the end of it even though he knows the journal is being read by others. This is the case today. I've pretty much written for myself and in the process released what has been floating around in my head which in turn makes space for fresh, healthy thinking.

If you you do understand what I'm talking about ....we are kindred spirits.

Carpe Diem


juli gets happy said...

One day we will have coffee and rusks together and you will know that I know exactly what I am talking about. We are here, Dougal, all of us. Here for you.

Hugs,alles sal regkom.


dougal said...

Thank you Juli, somehow I knew you would understand.

Marbella said...

Dadgum Dougal, I hadn´t expected to read that things aren´t going well again. I thought it was a broken PC. Dang! Sure do hate for you to have all this, but am just so glad to have YOU here still. I do wish they could figure out what´s going on and get this baby back on the road. Stay cool. Postiive thoughts. Back in Texas we believe in mega-vitamin C...have you tried that? Google it and see what you think. For my part, will send vibes, and will even light one of my magic candles that work miracles. You´ll see. Hang on.

Buffedstuff said...

Dougal, I think each person in some way or another, sooner or later enters the They all think I am off my nut zone aka loopy ...thankful these moments do pass. I however have been accused of vacationing there. Be blessed, I have prayed for you.

dougal said...

Hey slow down cowgurl, it was a broken PC which by the way I am still very tentative about..nah this is a one or two day thang. I'm fine now, the candle worked and..I'm taking tons of vit c.

Buffed - we talk the same language

Adam Waters said...

Hi Dougal, your post today really moved me man. I feel for you mate and I know that you will prevail, you have already displayed championship fighting qualities to come back this far.


dougal said...

Hi Adam, thank you my friend, no doubt about whether I'll be back stronger than ever. Appreciate the visit from down under.

Andrew said...

Hey Dougal,

Sorry things are on top you again, but I have no doubts you will make a full recovery. Your tenacity, strength and kindness are second to no one. Take care and may things become great for you again soon.


dougal said...

Andrew, really appreciate you popping in bud. Thank you, and thanks for the comments. In the words of the one and only Arnold
" I'll be baack."

Mike Groom said...

Dougal, I know you will bounce back better than ever. You have a good, kind spirit and the Universe will not let you down.

Thinking of you mate!