Week 11 Day 1
What's going on in my head?
I feel like a stray dog wandering the streets under the cover of darkness, sniffing around the garbage cans at the back of restaurants.
At times finding what I think is a tasty morsel only to find that the fine smelling bone has no meat left on it.
Almost having dirty dishwater thrown over me as I scavenge for...something, anything.
I run, always run, from well known spot to well known spot looking for...what is it I'm looking for, sometimes I forget and I just keep running, knowing in my animal subconscious that on some dark corner, after being shooed away by some terrified homeless person, I will find the peace I'm looking for under some warm overhang inside a broken down cardboard box where I can rest...lie down and sleep and dream about better times, just for a while.
Answers are what I'm looking for where patience is what I need. After suspecting another infection in my head and awating results from the lab I ponder the meaning of the analogy I have just written about.
None of the qualified experts seems to know much about what I can expect or when I can expect to heal or well anything really. My head hurts mightily, my bones and joints are sore and I move lethargically.
I am on another two weeks of antibiotics and have been advised not to train during that time....Back to the begining.
Now clearly, from what I've written it's obvious that I'm not feeling great about myself or my short term future. However I have been here before and I know what to do.
As in the analogy above I have a tendancy to want to climb under the duvet and disapear until I feel better.
What I am going to do is....like the dog, I will withdraw, protect my self emotionally and allow the solution to come to me. I have been feeling very off colour physically over the past few days and today is no different. I am disapointed with my recovery from the infections and without any yardstick to measure progress by, have no idea of what to expect.
There comes a time, in my life, I'm talking about, where a little self preservation goes a long way and to me, this is part of the journey of recovery.
I know me well enough to know that in a few days I'll be writing about how great life is and I'll be craving the smell of steel and the thump of the music and I'll be feeling good again.
Until then I'm not off track. I'm just adjusting the sail for the wind, which is blowing a little sharply in the wrong direction. I'm still in the race, just a little slower.. for now.
If you don't resonate with what I've written, don't be concerned, I havn't gone loopy. One of the beauties of 'journaling' is that the author can often times write for himself only and find a sense of cartharsis at the end of it even though he knows the journal is being read by others. This is the case today. I've pretty much written for myself and in the process released what has been floating around in my head which in turn makes space for fresh, healthy thinking.
If you you do understand what I'm talking about ....we are kindred spirits.